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Just a Joke

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

Another Joke

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Yet Another Joke

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1,000 years, and announced to the world their conclusion that "their Russian ancestors had established a telephone network one thousand years ago".

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2,000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1,000 years earlier than the Russians".

One week later, the Irish press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing, and concluded that 5,000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones".

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Glossary

· ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

· BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

· CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

· CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

· COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

· DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

· EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

· GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

· HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

· INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

· MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

· RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

· SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

· TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

· TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

· YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

· WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

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Movie Truths

1. When staying in a haunted house, women should always investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. People on TV never finish their drinks.

12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

14. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 16cm.

15. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

16. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a cheesy strip club at least once.

17. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

18. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

19. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

20. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

21. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

22. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

23. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

24. All single women have a cat.

25. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

26. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments, and maintain a stern expression.

27. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

28. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

29. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?

30. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

31. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

32. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

33. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

34. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

35. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

36. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

37. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

38. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

39. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

40. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

41. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

42. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

43. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions can be played without moving the fingers.

44. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

45. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

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The Following Are All Quotes From 11 Year Olds' Science Exams:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test cube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

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LIFE REFLECTIONS

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I’m desperately trying to figure out ... why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three New Zealanders is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains.
I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

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Are you still waiting for something funny?

Here you are:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Desperate

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Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Tech Support

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Dogs & Cats

(This item is a lovely contribution received from Yolanda Sala Báez)

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny men in little fur coats.

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A couple of useful advices

· How to avoid alligator attacks. Do not swim in waters inhabited by large alligators

· How to protect yourself from dog attacks while walking, jogging or cycling. Stop, turn toward the dog, point in the opposite direction and firmly say “Go home!” Repeat if necessary. This is effective even for dogs who do not speak English.

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